“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.”
I feel like a fatherless child tonight. Ever feel that way? Why do Christians still feel like this? We have a Lover who is not only willing to meet our needs, but supply every one with a gladness in His heart. It pleases Him to do it. He has met my physical needs. My emotional needs. My spiritual needs. Yes, He has. His name is Jesus.
I am in need of nothing. Nothing but Him.
It's June 23, 2012. As I write this, I'm sitting at a desk that is not mine, typing on a keyboard that is not mine, using a computer that is..not mine. I am listening to music through headphones that are not mine. When I go to bed tonight, I will lay in a bed that is not mine. My head will be on a pillow that is not mine. I am reading books on loan. Playing a piano that is ministry owned. Eating meals that are donated to Life Challenge and cooked at the same time every day. I have never purchased a meal here. Every single thing I am wearing right now from my shirt down to my shoes are donated. Literally.
Truth is, if I confess to you tonight all of the things that are mine, the list would be very short and compact. I could fit everything I "own" in a suitcase right now.
When I arrived at LC in January 2011, I had no idea I would be here this long. Then again, when I got here that winter, I really didn't care. I just wanted to go somewhere and live again. I needed Christ to raise me up. From the dead.
And that He has done. Praise His Name.
But, on days like today, I fell so lonely. Everywhere I turn I feel like an orphan. Abandoned. I have friends. I still have family that loves me. Brothers in Christ,as well. It doesn't seem to be enough. This is not new. I have felt this way since I can remember. As a young child, I would never feel like I was an important part of anyone's life. Did this have to do with the environment my parents brought me up in? More than likely. And when I felt like this, it was a trigger for me to go and get high, drunk and out of my mind. And that I did. From the time I could leave the house by myself at night I was smoking and drinking. Pills came. LSD. Heroin. It didn't matter. The loneliness was always too much.
I searched and searched for a woman to meet that need, to heal my loneliness. My wife was never meant for that. Neither were any of the women before her. Or after. None have been given that job characteristic or description: you are created to meet all of Pat's needs.
It is obvious that being a visible musician helps that feeling of loneliness. All I have to do is play for everyone. Lead in worship. Sing a song. Then I feel love. But the aching, gnawing feeling always returns.
It's Jesus I need. It's Him I desire. He is all I need, and I know it. In my soul, He has filled that gap over and over and over and over..and He is healing that loneliness.
Matthew 11:29 “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Tonight I will rest my head on that donated pillow and feel the breeze the fan on loan is blowing in my face and praise the One who made me this way. This pain MUST ALWAYS LEAD ME TO HIM and no one or nothing else.
Lamentations 3:24-25 “”The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.”
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